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An "interview" with Kevin Rudd
A cold and gunmetal grey room sits in the bowels of electiontracker HQ. With the drip drip drip of a distant tap, long damaged but never fixed, Kevin Rudd pours a cup of water from large metal teapot into his dirty chipped glass.
I switch on the tape recorder, an ‘80s style of magnetic spool device, and begin it all with a simple statement.
“My name is David Ramli, from electiontracker, with Kevin Rudd.”
Kevin 07: Good morning, is everyone ready?
David: Mr. Rudd, I’m the only one here, ther…
K07: Excellent. I’d like to begin by saying that the most recent claims from Mr. Howard are nothing but negative and dirty spin campaigns. If elected to government, I…
D: Mr. Rudd, please, that’s all well and good but we haven’t much time. Can I start my questions?
K07: Of course. I’ve always wanted to allow you to begin your questions. It’s the right thing to do, it’s the fair thing to do – it’s the Labor thing to do.
D: Uh, sure… But moving along, Mr. Rudd, would you agree that it seems suspicious you’ve submitted the costings for many of your planned savings too late for treasury to judge them before the election date?
K07: Those claims have been made by the Liberal Party in the past, but that’s where the Liberal Party has stayed. Mr. Howard is asking Australians to vote for his retirement, and allow Mr. Costello to become the next Prime Minister without facing the Australian people. I would be a Prime Minister for the future.
D: Mr. Rudd, ignoring your not-answering-my-question for a moment, wouldn’t Howard’s announcement of his future retirement by definition put Mr. Costello before the Australian people as a potential Prime Minister?
K07: That may or may not be the case, but what I do know is this: it is in Mr. Costello’s DNA to further WorkChoices and if allowed to become Prime Minister, he would progress it even further than it is.
D: But he’s actively denied it and Joe Hockey has staked his career on it not getting worse under a Liberal government, what more are you asking for?
K07: Hmm...have I mentioned DNA yet?
D: Yes, I believe you have
K07: Alright. In that case, can I just say? Mr. Howard claiming that Australian families have never been better off is a blatant lie and does not ring true with working families.
D: Well actually I’ve been meaning to ask you, what is a working family by your definition?
K07: Look, I can tell you now that those who are know that they are and I know of where we are in a global environment. If we want to keep up in an international environment, we have to increase our place in the batting order and move out of the slow lane by shifting up a gear via an education revolution.
D: …Alright… Now I’m just confused.
K07: I think the question you’re really asking is: where I’d take WorkChoices? The answer to that is out the Back Door via the Engine Room of society which is education through my economic conservatism – a badge I wear with pride.
D: “I’m sorry, what?”
K07: All I mean is that government head-kickers have lost touch with ordinary Australians and should therefore be taken out the Back Door. Education Revolution.
D: I beg your pardon? What relevance does that have to anything I’ve said?
K07: Engine room of Equity - *bzzzt* - Won or lost by a nose - *kazzzap* - Dirty underhand tactics - *fizzle*.
D: “Mr. Rudd, are you alright? Is that actually smoke coming from your mouth?”
K07: *BANG*
Technicians in white coats bound into the stark room with large toolboxes, gaffer-tape and a strange lack of medical instruments. As I’m escorted out of the room by three hairy AFP officers, I turn to the chair where Kevin sat. A billow of acrid smoke rises from what seems like his chest.
I think I may have over-clichéd the Ruddomaton.
